When It Feels Like The Wheels Are Falling Off The Pram
My name’s Kate and I have Post Natal Depression.
You might not know it to look at me; I go to work 4 days a week and get on with my job. I have two beautiful children aged 20mths and 4yrs; they are loved and well looked after. My husband loves me and cares about me.
But, on the inside I often feel like I am slowly falling to pieces. I want to scream at the world and just run away from my husband, my girls, everything.
PND has crept up on me over the past few years. I was first diagnosed when Bebe was about 5 months old. I took anti-depressants, went back to work when she was 8 months old and never really dealt with the issues. I thought all I needed was to go back to work. Then I got pregnant with Lala and when she was 6 months old it all went wrong again – a spectacular meltdown in a caravan in Devon where I was begging my husband for us to go home form a holiday that had actually been my idea.
That was over a year ago. I thought I was dealing with things but clearly I am not. Deep down I know I’m not. I find excuses to stay at work a bit later so that I don’t get home until after the girls have their tea; it’s closer to their bed time that way. I feel unbelievably relieved when I drop the girls at nursery. I shout at Bebe when she’s asking questions or when she does things that I know aren’t her fault. I shout/get irrationally angry with my husband for things he hasn’t done (he doesn’t know I want them done). I don’t sleep that well. I hate spending time with people other than my immediate family. I cry when I’m on my own in the car. And I feel guilty for doing these things and feeling the way I feel.
So what do I do?
The answer is I don’t actually know. Recently I realised that I have almost no time to myself (really no time on my own). In my life as a working woman, I am a secondary school teacher. If I’m not with my own children, I am teaching someone else’s (my life is filled with children and questions and trying to get/ do the best for everyone). What I would like is some time on my own to just do something for me, but even this, in my head feels selfish.
This is the first time in a while that I have really been able to admit how I feel. I don’t necessarily want sympathy, I just want people to understand; to not tell me that it will get better or ‘you don’t really mean it’ when you say you feel at breaking point.
Photo credit: http://www.designerspics.com/photographs/love-concept-3/