When It Feels Like The Wheels Are Falling Off The Pram

My name’s Kate and I have Post Natal Depression.

You might not know it to look at me; I go to work 4 days a week and get on with my job. I have two beautiful children aged 20mths and 4yrs; they are loved and well looked after. My husband loves me and cares about me.

But, on the inside I often feel like I am slowly falling to pieces. I want to scream at the world and just run away from my husband, my girls, everything.

PND has crept up on me over the past few years. I was first diagnosed when Bebe was about 5 months old. I took anti-depressants, went back to work when she was 8 months old and never really dealt with the issues. I thought all I needed was to go back to work. Then I got pregnant with Lala and when she was 6 months old it all went wrong again – a spectacular meltdown in a caravan in Devon where I was begging my husband for us to go home form a holiday that had actually been my idea.

That was over a year ago. I thought I was dealing with things but clearly I am not. Deep down I know I’m not. I find excuses to stay at work a bit later so that I don’t get home until after the girls have their tea; it’s closer to their bed time that way. I feel unbelievably relieved when I drop the girls at nursery.  I shout at Bebe when she’s asking questions or when she does things that I know aren’t her fault. I shout/get irrationally angry with my husband for things he hasn’t done (he doesn’t know I want them done). I don’t sleep that well. I hate spending time with people other than my immediate family. I cry when I’m on my own in the car. And I feel guilty for doing these things and feeling the way I feel.

So what do I do?

The answer is I don’t actually know. Recently I realised that I have almost no time to myself (really no time on my own). In my life as a working woman, I am a secondary school teacher. If I’m not with my own children, I am teaching someone else’s (my life is filled with children and questions and trying to get/ do the best for everyone). What I would like is some time on my own to just do something for me, but even this, in my head feels selfish.

This is the first time in a while that I have really been able to admit how I feel. I don’t necessarily want sympathy, I just want people to understand; to not tell me that it will get better or ‘you don’t really mean it’ when you say you feel at breaking point.

Photo credit: http://www.designerspics.com/photographs/love-concept-3/

This Post Has 2 Comments

  1. Mary

    You could be me and I could be you!
    I’m an infant school teacher with a 4 year old and a 2 year old. Life has been sliding since my second was born. I work 3 days a week at school but 6 evenings on school work. I don’t get enough sleep and have just started taking anti depressants along with counselling.
    I don’t really have anything to offer other than I am in that place too and is slightly reassuring that I am not the only one out there.
    We paint on the brave face and let it out that life is a little too tough to people now and then but no one really listens. Lots of hugs to you xxx

  2. moonmummy

    Lots of hugs to you too Mary. I know a lot of people think we as teachers have it easy (all those holidays) but all the time teaching and planning means time away from our own children, who, at the end of the day, should be more important.

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